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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.