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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.