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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
drink beer ?? save water
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?