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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.