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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!