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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.