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My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.