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If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING