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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun