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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!