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Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.