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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.