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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!