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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.