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Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.