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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.