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We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!