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Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
pudding... thats always a funny word
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.