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If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late