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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
I grew up for this?
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.