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I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.