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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.