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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.