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Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?