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You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.