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Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We`ll see.
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.