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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.