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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.