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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
I`ve decided to go my own way and think "inside the box" to be different ... Wow its dark in here!
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.