Daily Silly Status

I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."

Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.

(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"

My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.

The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.

Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.

I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.

I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.

I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?

These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.

Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.