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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.