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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
Honk if you wanna see the finger
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride