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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today