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I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?