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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.