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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"