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Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one