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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
Iām sorry Iām late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.