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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?