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Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
My mind has a mind of its own.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.