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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?