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When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Been there, done that. allegedly
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.