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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."