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My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
me + you = overpopulation... :) :p
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.