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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
My IQ? ... With google or without?
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.