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Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
How`d this get posted?