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Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time