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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
We get it poets: things are like other things
I liked you better before we met.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.