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My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
when girls say bye .......... may be it means buy something for her.....
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?