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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
hell yeah !!!! i was the lucky sperm !!!!!