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Does ke$ha go by k€sha in Europe?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...