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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.