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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.