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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.