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Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."