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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
Being an American is awesome. The end.