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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.