Daily Silly Status

Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"

My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.

I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.

Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be

should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is

Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."

I make a great second impression.

I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.

I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.

Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.

Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.

Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.

Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.