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Some days are just not meant to be productive.
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.