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“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.