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My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. Iām flattered.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined....
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume