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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store