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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar