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I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.