Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?