Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.