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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
Iām a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
No. My hair magically got shorter.
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.