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You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Time is precious ... waste it wisely!
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.