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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun