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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.