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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.