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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
It should really be called teethpaste.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside