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My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.