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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole