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Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Being an American is awesome. The end.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.