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Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.