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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.