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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.