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When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.