Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes