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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."