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I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”