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Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
HardCoreStrategy 22 hours ago 6 3? Guys are? in a cafe. The first guy says "I?? have the smallest arm in the? world." The second guy says I have the?? smallest head in? the world." The third guy says I have the smallest d^ck in the world. They all? go to? the Guinness Book of World records. The? first? guy comes back and says I really? have the smallest arm in the world. The seconds guy? returns and? says? I have the smallest head in the world. The third guy comes back? and angrily?? says WHO? T
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."