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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
Safe words are for quitters.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.