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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.