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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!