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Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
So can we just skip to summer now?
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
status uploading
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.