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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.