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Most problems can be solved with nudity
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.