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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
The naked truth is better, than d dressed-up lie :) Aa
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button