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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
Iām mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate