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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.