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I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
Guys i did not copy or edit this status of mine.Please believe this is my own idea!
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.