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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!