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when she says "size doesn`t matter" what she really means is "I have been disappointed before." :)
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
My mind has a mind of its own.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.