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Roses are red Your thong is pink Cover that up You`re not as hot as you think.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, Iām not falling for that.
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.