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I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)