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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
I laugh in the face of normal.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.