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The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.