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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...