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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
i only drink on days that end with y
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.