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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours