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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.