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A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
If I throw a stick will you leave?
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.