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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
pudding... thats always a funny word
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.