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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My favorite beer is the next one.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch