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First fart at my new job.
wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."