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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
A wise man, will often say nothing
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.