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I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
so, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphebet is your favourite colour?
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.