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I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.