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Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Please do not read this.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?