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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.