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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
I wish I had a friend like me
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.