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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.