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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*