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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.