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It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
Some men get naked when they have to count up to 21...
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that`s why we have a problem.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.