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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.