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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.