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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.